I Hate the 2016 Election and So Should You
On a good day, politics is pretty terrible. But what’s going on in this election is embarrassing. For all of us. Everyone involved — candidates, reporters, campaign managers, fundraisers, everyone — needs to be banned from politics forever.
Let’s recap where we’re at, America…
On the right we had a series of do-nothing Senators all vying to out-nativist each other while simultaneously promising to start World War III. Of course, they all lost (or are about to lose) to DONALD FUCKING TRUMP. Let that sink in for a second.
Donald Trump is the Republican front-runner.
For President of the United States.
In real life.
The “conventional wisdom” from all the political pundits who have been wrong every day about everything, was that Trump would fizzle out once voting started. Weirdly, those people who are always wrong about everything were wrong about that, too.
Meanwhile, on the left, the Democrats tried to crown a woman hated by half the country and disliked by Democratic voters. Her only opposition is from a quixotic issues candidate who never expected to be taken seriously. Oh, and he’s a socialist. Sure, we can quibble over “but no, his socialism isn’t actually socialism!” but c’mon. Socialist.
So, that’s where we’re at… To replace Barack “Centrist” Obama, we have: DONALD TRUMP — a liberal, crony capitalist, and all around douchebag, versus Hillary Clinton — a conservative, crony insider whose political career is built on slut-shaming the women her husband banged while in a position of political authority (and voting for Republican wars lol).
But hey, it’s always like this, right? Politics is always terrible, right?
Maybe, but that’s a fucking terrible excuse. What’s the point to all of this? Is the point of a presidential election simply to determine which group of lobbyists is in charge? Is that it, really? Is that what our political empire has become — a quadrennial rearranging of K street chairs?
And it’s not even like there are better options out there! The non-Trump reactionaries are “learning” all the wrong lessons and trying to be more absurd than his nihilistic ass. Trump isn’t some sort of policy outsider — he’s just more honest about what he means when he talks about border control and the immigrant problem.
The only guy up there who said something remotely different was Rand Paul, who also took a stroll down the “Syrian refugees are bad!” highway after Paris was attacked. (An attack that had fucking nothing to fucking do with Syrian fucking refugees you fucking morons.)
Oh, and who can forget Dr. Ben Carson — the man who single-handedly made America re-evaluate its respect for the intelligence of medical professionals. Good job, guy.
None of this is to say the Democrats are in a better position. At a national level, the DNC is falling apart — and it should because it’s terrible. At a policy level, the Democrats don’t stand for anything except Obamacare — which is a fucking Republican healthcare plan, people— and the feels. So much feels.
Is it any wonder why “socialist” Bernie Sanders is so popular? Democratic voters — especially the ones who voted for Obama twice — weirdly want progressive policies. Not centrist policies. Not Republican policies. But, y’know, liberal ones. You know who isn’t a dogmatically progressive president? Obama. You know who is way less progressive? Hillary Clinton (and her husband who literally and purposefully ran a centrist “Third Way” administration).
Quick aside: hey Republicans, just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean they’re liberal, socialist, communist, un-American, etc. You might want to reflect on why you really dislike that person. Spoiler: you’re probably racist.
So where does that leave us? Our current options FOR PRESIDENT:
Donald Trump: liberal reality TV star, bigot and predatory capitalist, who very well might be a Clinton plant and/or a fascist. Oh, and he’ll start WW3.
Ted Cruz: a smarmy Canadian who is hated by literally everyone who ever met him. Oh, and he’s a reactionary fuck who will start WW3.
Hillary Clinton: the woman who failed at trying to do healthcare in ‘92, slut-shamed women for decades, gleefully voted to invade Iraq, went a little racist against Obama in ‘08, was anti-LGBT rights until like last year, and was one of the worst Secretaries of State we’ve ever had (and no I’m not talking about Benghazi). To be fair, she’s probably the only one who would win WW3 — which she would start.
Bernie Sanders: the Ron Paul of the left. That’s not a compliment. Oh, and as long as everyone gets free college and does yoga, the unicorns will ride rainbows to victory in WW3.
Every day I hate this election a little bit more. And so should you.
